Years ago, I was out with my family, bundled against the cold in my winter jacket, when I found a piece of coal on the ground. I was incredibly excited, because as we all know (and I had probably just recently learned), coal turns into diamonds. Now, I knew to turn this coal into a diamond it had to be in a warm place, and in the dead of winter what better place to keep something warm than in my toasty winter coat pocket?
Rather than share the news of our new found fortune with my parents I decided I wanted to be able to surprise them with my genius when I eventually procured a diamond from my pocket. However, as I had many other important child things on my mind, I soon forgot about the coal, spring came around, and winter clothing got put away for the warm weather.
Fast forward to the next winter and I am standing in the foyer with my Dad while he pulls out my winter coat and starts checking the pockets. Suddenly I remember the coal that has slowly been turning into a diamond over the past year and I am so fucking excited. My Dad is going to find a diamond in my pocket, and he is going to be so happy with me.
I can barely contain myself, watching intensely as he pulls the object out of my winter pocket, and turns me with a look of utter disbelief on his face and goes, “Why do you have a piece of dried dog shit in your pocket?”